Gossip Girl Remembers Who She Is

Here we go, with my favorite parts highlighted and comments in parenthesis.

Gossip Girl Remembers Who She Is

Once, a very beautiful model told us about the time her eyes had been injured by a flash. She had to wear an eye mask and stay in her apartment for days, in utter darkness, like she was blind. It was hard, she told us, to feel her way around. She was always bumping her long gazellelike shins into everything, and didn’t know where anything was, and was probably peeing all over herself whenever she went to the bathroom — we don’t really know. For almost two years now, we’ve been watching the characters on Gossip Girl bumble around in that same darkness. It was only in last night’s episode that they finally were able to lift their masks and catch a glimpse, with their beautiful but crusted eyes, of the world and their place in it.

Dan, after a brief interlude of loneliness, realized he was put on this earth to squire around bitches. Jenny Humphrey, after attempting to relinquish the throne at Constance Billard, realized that she was destined to rule the school. Serena, after losing herself briefly in a publicity career, realized her true talents lay with just being, like, friends with people. And Blair, in a hysterical reaction to being the biggest dork at NYU, was fast becoming the upper-class version of the Wooderson character in Dazed and Confused at Constance Billard, before being reminded that she was Blair Waldorf, and Chuck Bass loved her.

More Real Than a Meltdown in the Bathroom at the Ziegfeld:
• For the first time this season, we found ourselves actually listening to what Gossip Girl herself was saying, and were happy to see that she had a role to play. We were happy when, as Jenny debated whether to wear that ridiculous chunky headband, GG let slip a double entendre. "Will she pick up where the old queen left off?" she asked. "Or strike out on her own?" Plus 3.

• Of course Dan would willfully not know who the star of Eternal Nights was, even if she was a sexy starlet. Plus 2, with another plus 4 for just the name Eternal Nights, and its "King Arthur but with vampires" premise.

• We love the "Everybody Loves a Player" T-shirt on the RPG all-star at the coffee shop. Plus 3, because it's just so right. (so hilarious I died at that part)

• Plus 2 for Blair's line, "I just need to know that, in this misbegotten corner of Manhattan, wealth, ambition, and moral laxity are still alive and well." But we’re not sure that "By the way, sandals are not shoes" is going to happen.

• Carmen, Celeste, and Jane are a little tougher-looking than their fragile, bitchy predecessors (who we miss, by the way), which is appropriate if they're going to be Jenny's minions. Also, they're clearly half-wits. ("OMGBSE"???) And Jane, particularly, looks like trouble. Plus 4 all around.

• Rufus does a great Lily impression. Plus 2, because he has to have something to practice when he's not knitting.

• Serena says she's "put a lot of thought" into her not going to Brown. Ha! She has exactly put no thought into not going to Brown. Plus 2.

• Lily calls her mother Cece? Plus 2. In fact, plus 20 for all of Lily's lines. We forgot that she was actually (occasionally) the voice of reason on this show, and Kelly Rutherford is just so good at delivering these lines. "I'm just not ready. I don't know who I am," Serena whines, opening her eyes as wide as possible, in case who she is might be hiding really close to her face.

"But that's why people go to college. To figure it out," Lily replied, just after we screamed that same thing at our screen. Also, "I love you, Serena, but you've never worked a day in your life." And, "Because a year of parties and premieres is a worthy alternative to an Ivy League education." And, "This woman saw an opportunity to exploit your celebrity and your connections. Why else would she hire an 18-year-old with no skills and no college degree?" And, "Serena, enough is enough, this need to find out who you are. Do you think anyone really knows who they are? We don't, we just live." Ah, that felt good.

• Vanessa: "I see you've taken down my Goddard poster." Plus 3 for that, and for the way she geeked out a little bit about living with a famous person, even though she knew it was totally uncool. We especially like the part where she said to Olivia not to tell anyone, but that she was "a closet fan" of Endless Nights, which is actually totally rude but exactly the sort of thing you would say if you were trying to be normal with a famous person. (Meanwhile: Wait, John C. Reilly is doing vampire movies now? Oh no.)

• Tory Burch and Georgina Chapman are decent actors. Plus 2. The same cannot be said for Tyra Banks, who was basically terrifying. But that's kind of real in its own way. Plus 4. So was her sea-witch hair in her first scene, which perfectly befitted the name "Ursula."

• Hundred Acres is at least in the right part of town for this plot point. Plus 1.

• Plus 1 for the look that the publicist gives Serena when she's like "Have you ever thought about publicity?" Speaking of vampires.

• Blair already had BW-monogrammed headbands ready? Plus 1.

• Nate is really developing as a character. Like when, upon seeing Olivia, he tells Dan, "Dude, that is … a sign you should ask her out,” it was like the smartest thing he's ever done on this show. And we thought we also saw some new facial expressions. Plus 1.

• Of course Dan moves way too fast, and asks Olivia out two nights in a row. Plus 2.

• And of course he offers to take her to Lebanese food. Mamoun's! Plus 1.

• And of course he goes ahead and complains about this ex-girlfriend of his who was a problem because she was always “in the spotlight,” as opposed to the ex-girlfriend who was maybe demonically possessed or the ex-girlfriend who was his teacher. Plus 1, because Dan has always seemed to have had a sixth sense for the exact wrong thing to say.

• Dorota: "Meess Blair, this not right. Mr. Chuck and I both of the opinion … " Combined with watering down the martinis, our gal's really growing a spine! Plus 3.

• That is indeed the Ziegfeld, where a movie like that would have premiered. And we loved how Serena said to Lily, "I thought if you saw me working, you would feel better about Brown," while wearing an outfit that made it look like she was working, if you catch our drift. Plus 3. (We're saying she looked like a hooker, just to be clear.)

• Chuck: "And you'd do this to me. I'm Chuck Bass. And I told you I love you. You're saying I'm easier to win over than a bunch of pseudo-intellectual, homesick malcontents … So the next time you forget you're Blair Waldorf, remember I'm Chuck Bass, and I love you." Plus 6.

• HA! Girls in fedoras are now forever ruined for Dan. What is he going to do?? Plus 2.

Total: 78

More Fake Than the Annoyingly Vintage Mets Shirt Olivia Clearly Spent Hours Picking Out for Her First Day at NYU:

• Let's talk a little about Olivia Burke's debut on the show. First, she enrolls like three weeks after everyone else? Why? NYU probably wouldn't go for that, and even if it did, didn't she want a normal freshman experience? Minus 4. Then, she runs into Dan like one second after he was talking about her, which never actually happens with celebrities in New York. It's only when you don't expect to see them that you do (or when you're at Minetta Tavern). Minus only 1, because at least they would be in the same neighborhood. But wait, why are Nate and Dan walking around in the West Village together if Nate has a class at Columbia at 10 a.m.? They go to college, not the international trading floor — no way would Nate roll out of bed any more than fifteen minutes before that class, much less go all the way downtown to the Village and back. Minus 8. And then, no way would Olivia Burke buy coffee from a street cart. Even if she's slumming it, we've seen what happens when vampire stars try to walk around and be normal in the city. It ain't pretty. Minus 4. Also, no way would a starlet buy something for the person in front of them in line, even if she was nice, and even if they were classmates. Intel Chris once ran out of change at Durfee's at Yale, and he was buying something so small it was too inexpensive to charge to his bursar card. And the only other person in line was Claire Danes, and she just sat there and watched him awkwardly search his pockets fruitlessly for at least two minutes. Not that he's still bitter about that, or anything. Minus 4. And while we bought the idea that Dan wouldn’t know who Olivia Burke was at first, we can’t imagine that he would have stayed not knowing until he ran into her at the movie premiere. At least one of the people who stared at her on the street would have said her name, and what movie posters don’t have the starlet’s face on them? Minus 2. And minus another 2 because even if after the movie was over, he had sat there in the theater alone, wondering where he had gone wrong in life so that his lot was to meet and utterly charm a movie star, Olivia would not have wandered in to talk to him. She would have been whisked away by handlers. Minus 2. And finally, even if she had walked in to talk to him, he would not have listened to her sad-eyed little speech about how even though she seemed “refreshingly normal” her life was probably too crazy for him and then given her an effing head nod indicating, yeah, he didn’t want any of that. What red-blooded heterosexual college-age American male would decline the chance to have sex with a movie star? Minus 10.

• We are so eager for Blair to inevitably fall in with those geeks. But there are some problems with this "Masters of the Universe" club. First of all, wouldn't they hang out at a different coffee shop than the cool kids? Or, like, in the student center? Because if everyone at NYU goes to that one damn coffee shop, we for sure would have seen Haley Joel Osment by now. Minus 2.

• And also, not even NYU would have something that dorky and old-fashioned. An AD&D Second-Edition Club, maybe. Minus 3.

• And wouldn't Blair have looked up the club description before arriving? Minus 1.

• And also, that shirtdress? She's unpopular, not Amish. Minus 2.

• Just as Blair says "At least I know Constance hasn't changed," the camera cuts to an entirely different building than where they filmed Constance last year, which was entirely different from where they filmed it before that. Minus only 2, because it was funny, and we're pretty sure it was just for us.

• Jonathan is at fencing camp in Torino? No way he'd get an extra month off of school before junior year. There are PSATs coming up! Minus only 1, because it's at least an appropriately gay sport.

• "First of all, wash your eyes," Jenny says. WASH YOUR OWN DAMN EYES, RACCOON FACE. Minus 1, because the girl is still not back to normal. Just because you don't look like Gene Simmons anymore doesn't mean you're not wearing too much eyeshadow. Also, minus 1 for "Tell everyone I need to talk to them now. Now!" Who is "everyone"? And why have they all been communicating secretly without consulting Jenny?

• Lily would have been more pissed that Rufus didn't call her when her only daughter decided not to go to college. Minus 2. She also would have been more pissed about that Nehru-collar shirt.

• Olivia's publicist wouldn't have set up her room, her assistant would have. Where is that sketchy sister/cousin/mom, anyway? Is she going to turn up? Minus 1.

• No, Serena would not have gone to the Met Ball during high school, and she would not have come to Tory Burch "highly recommended" by Anna Wintour, who hates booby skanks who do classless things like end up in celebrity weeklies for drunken, topless partying. Minus 2.

• Serena is talking to Blair as she walks into One Hundred Acres. “What do you mean, you have to quell a revolution?” she says “Blair, I have to go.” What does she mean she has to go? She just walked into a restaurant. No one’s even trying to take her order. She asked a question. Why doesn’t she stick around to get the answer? Minus 1. (cuz she is dumb as hell)

• On to the less realistic parts of Ursula's role. First of all, the night before the movie she would have made her assistant hang out with her, if anyone, not some random publicity assistant/walker, who wouldn't have met her until like ten minutes before she hit the red carpet. Minus 4. And no way would Serena have been let out of her sight to hang out with her parents after that, nor would Ursula be wandering unattended around the Ziegfeld where someone from In Touch could just, like, talk to her. Minus 4. Also, she would have a hair-and-makeup team supplied by the studio, not some airhead publicity assistant whose signature look is "bedhead." Minus 2. And her agent, not her publicist, would have first known about the cut "For Your Consideration" scene, which probably wouldn't have been cut anyway. Minus only 1, because at least they made the movie seem butt-bleedingly bad.

• We're not ready for Chuck and Jenny to be so friendly/flirty. Yes, they're sort of related now, and yes, Chuck has changed. But a girl doesn't forget about an attempted date rape, even if it took place three seasons ago when she lived in a different borough. Minus 2.

• We just have to say, addressing Hilary Duff as though she is a real character and can hear us through the TV: "You don't go to NYU to be a 'normal student,' Olivia. You go to NYU to be an Olsen twin." Minus 3.

• Paparazzi are never that cute. Even the ones you pay. Except for Neil Rasmus. Minus 2.

• Why is Serena constantly fussily packing? And never folding anything? And why does it seem like she only ever packs scarves? Minus 1.

• Vanessa: "I dated a guy who kept part of himself hidden. He never gave anyone a chance to accept him. And in the end, everyone lost." Minus 4 because THEY DATED FOR LIKE A WEEK.

• Chuck: "Dumbo could always fly. He just needed a magic feather." The feather wasn't magic. That was the whole damn point. Minus 2.

• Why would Scott have answered the call from Georgina if he was just going to see her in one second? God, doesn't he know he's going to need V for his future nefarious psycho subplots? Minus 2.

Total: 73

The presence of celebrities playing themselves took the edge of the presence of celebrities playing different celebrities in this episode, plus, the reemergence of Lily and the reintroduction of a Jenny Humphrey plot point had a stabilizing effect. Next week, however, we expect everything will be destabilized, as Georgina Sparks returns. Stay tuned!

NYMAG.com

Gossip Girl Makes a Bid on Love

I'm a super retarded fan of gossip girl. As I prolly say everytime i mention it (sue me!) I was an avid book reader before the show even started. And I usually am all GRRR when that happens especially when they change important stuff, but I really REALLY love the show too. Hurrayy!!! And one day I stumbled upon this great site. NYMAG.com and they have such a funny commentary thing going on after each episode. The thing is, its hard to sort through all that other crap they post about, sometimes its okay, othertimes im just like "GIMME THE GOSSIP GIRL!!!" Which is why I will be bringing it to you, clear with no interruptions and other nonsense. I'll make a label or link or what not so you can find them easy and I'll highlight my favorite parts. I'll be reposting their recap every week after each episode so please do check out their website to look at past versions of their recap. And without further ado...

Gossip Girl Makes a Bid on Love

With everything they’ve been through — the lies, the scheming, the boyfriends who turned out to be Ponzi-schemers, the girlfriends who turned out to be stepsisters, the children they never knew existed — it’s not surprising that our friends on Gossip Girl have developed what would commonly be called “trust issues.” Except, in their case, they’re actually right. The Gossip Girl world is one of sidelong glances, elaborate lies, and outlandish plots. If someone awkwardly stutters a sentence or tries to get off the phone quickly, it means something.

In last night’s episode, square-jawed, shifty-eyed Scott’s flubbed lie about a college-seminar causes Vanessa to question his entire identity, and, of course, she turns out to be right because he is not who he said he is. He is, in fact, Lily and Rufus’s son, which he then lies about later. Meanwhile, Serena doesn’t trust Carter Baizen, in part because of ... WHAT HAPPENED IN SANTORINI.

Chuck and Blair pretend not to trust each other, but only because they think it’s hot. And, of course, no one trusts Georgina. Except maybe Rufus, who, human labradoodle that he is, trusts everyone. Or maybe it's just the Botox?

Anyway, with all this subterfuge going on, it’s hard to keep track of who’s real and who’s fake. But we can at least track the details in our patented Reality Index.

Realer Than Cutout Butterflies Taped to a Dorm-Room Wall:
• Of course Georgina and Dan would put a sock on the doorknob to indicate they were hooking up — college students just inherently know to do this, as children all over America in the eighties inherently knew that you had to blow into a Nintendo cartridge to get it working again. Plus 3, with an additional plus 3 for Blair having no idea what this tradition meant. Oh, and plus 1 for her putting her glove on to take the sock off. And plus 1 for “EW! EW! I’m even wearing a glove and I still want to wash my hand.”
• Yes. Everyone would have awkwardly overdecorated their dorm-room doors in the first week. Especially Vanessa, who has only ever been schooled by wolverines. Plus 3.
• Serena and Vanessa in unison, to Dan, on whom he was hooking up with: “Please tell me it was Blair/Georgina and not Georgina/Blair” Plus 1. (Do you think Penn Badgley, who spent a year training to bulk up, made them promise to let him go shirtless in the first three episodes?)
• Someone should invent an iPhone app that allows you to speak like Chuck Bass. Like that “I Am T-Pain” app. No points. We’re just saying that would be cool. Even.
• Plus 3 for Blair remembering exactly how many days it's been since she had sex with Chuck.
• We were weirdly happy to see Eric and Jenny appear. It was like a breath of fresh air. Or at least a peroxide rinse. And plus 2 for the line “Wow, ’72 David Bowie is a dead ringer for Shakira.” Because kind of, yeah. (Though Bowie's hips do lie.)
• Does Dan own only plaid shirts? Probably. Plus 3. And an additional plus 3 for Scottonly s terrible, terrible, continuing wardrobe errors that are a faint echo of Dan and Rufus’s style.
• Serena to Dan: “If you want to date Georgina, then more power to you. I would just check to see there’s not an ice pick under the bed.” Plus 1, because with her ditz slur, the first time we heard it, we thought she said “do” her, which maybe she did on purpose.
• Good for Blair and Chuck for picking a believably snobby/slutty, hip/old, nice/gross bar like Brandy Library for Carter’s alleged assignations.
• “My last boyfriend told me his dad invented the battery.” Plus 2, just because, though it would have been better if it had been the Post-it.
• Is Georgina wearing a Wiccan neckpiece? Plus 2.
• Plus 2 for the slow dissolution of Dan and Georgina’s relationship, beginning with Dan’s awkward conversation with Georgina in which he explains that just because they’re diddling each other on the regular doesn’t mean they’re an “us” — it just means they’re just “hanging out.” Plus 3 for Georgina then pretending to be totally cool with this arrangement out of sheer desperation. “Sure,” she says, “no strings.” (Have we been there, ladies?) And plus 4 for Dan pretty much falling for it because he doesn’t know better yet, poor guy. And plus 5 for Georgina revealing in various and increasingly dramatic ways that she is a roiling psychopath, including:
1. This line: “I knew she’d have a problem with us. But I think Vanessa’s going to be supportive, and Serena, and Jenny, and your dad.”
2. The fact that she kisses him like a dementor from Harry Potter.
3. The fact that she has a picture of herself with Dan on the first night they hooked up as her screen saver.
4. The insane look she gives said computer when Dan asks her to come with him to Sotheby’s.
Really, we’d predict that she would have chained him to a bed and broken both of his legs, like in Misery, in the next episode, if not for the happy intervention of the Scott Drama, which will now enable her to do something even more crazy. We can’t wait.
• “Finally, something exclusive to strive for,” Blair chirps when she gets the invitation to the La Table Elitaire. “Something worthy of all my pent-up energy and ATTENTION.” Plus 1. “My prayers have been answered,” she says later. “A secret collegiate society wants me!” Plus 1.
• Georgina, on almost walking in on Chuck and Blair going at it: “Judging by the size of the sock on the doorknob, I didn’t want to knock.” Plus 75.
• Blair stole Chuck’s shoes. Nice. We’ve pulled that move, but usually it was to foil someone who is drunk into following us out of the dorm. Plus 2.
• Georgina is really great at Internet stalking. Plus only 1 because surely she has even more advanced means at her disposal. See above, re: Wicca and Harry Potter.
• When Serena showed up at the Sotheby’s auction in a rust-colored skintight bandage dress that divides her cleavage into fourths (eighths?), her hair teased so high that Bon Jovi could see it from Jersey, we had to wonder: Would she really come dressed like that to an adult event? Yes, we said to ourselves. Yes, she would. Plus 3, and plus another 1 for the return of the cleavage rhombus!
• We wonder if a side effect of Jesus Camp is that anytime you put on a skanky dress you look like a tranny, not a tramp? No points, just asking.
• Okay, let’s talk about Sotheby’s. Yes, that’s the building’s exterior and interior (they filmed it back in August). Plus 3. And, yes, that’s vice-president David Redden serving as auctioneer. Plus 3. And, yes, that’s even Tony the doorman. Plus 3. But pretty much everything else is ridiculous. See below for more.
• After the Sotheby’s auction, Rufus suggests everyone hop in the limo and go downtown to Morandi. Plus 2 because it would take us only a couple of weeks to get over our issues about spending our billionaire spouse’s money, too.
• Plus 1 for “What warrant?” “Well, you might want to take a DNA sample down to the 24th Precinct tomorrow.” Nice. Plus 1.
• Plus 5 for Chuck speaking for the viewers: “Finally, what happened in Santorini ... ” But minus 4 for it being kind of a dull story about Carter stealing a boat, which only reinforced what we already learned in the last episode, which is that Carter was bad but now he is reformed and, furthermore, loves Serena with such a deep and pure intensity that it has caused him to go way, way outside the normal twentysomething realm of stuff nice guys do to show they care, traveling internationally in search of her estranged father when he could have just, you know, handwritten her a card or something.
• Rufus and the crêpes. Arrrggghh! Plus 1.
• At first when Scott’s mom showed up at the auction, we were all As if. Really? We’re supposed to believe she drove all the way down from Boston? And how did she know he was at Sotheby’s? Did she implant him with GPS? Tsk-tsk typety type. But then she spouted off this amazing piece of exposition: “I got right in the car and drove down from Boston. I knew where Lily lived, and the doorman told me you were here.” Plus 2 for effort.

Faker Than Georgina Having Any Edition of Our Bodies, Ourselves. She Has Sex With Jesus and Eats Baby Girls for Breakfast; She Knows Plenty About Female Sexuality, Thank You:
• Vanessa goes straight to investigating Scott at the first hint of weirdness. (Well, other than his scary looks, statements, hair, and clothes.) Minus 4 because she would delude herself for longer.
• We’re not sure we buy all Blair’s boy shorts all of a sudden. Minus 1 because, sure, it’s still late summer, but in the bedroom we know she goes for lace teddies. Also, even for a “sex renaissance,” the Blair we’ve come to know would be too anal to skip a class so early on. Especially French history. Minus 2.
• Like we said, Dan/Penn is desperate for people to look at his body. No way would he try to cover up once getting busted. Minus 2.
• Why does Rufus feel the need to adopt every kid around him? Vanessa is not “a part of the family” — she has parents. We know because the producers cast at least one of them this summer. And then Scott: Why the guitar lessons and those gazes, the ones that say, “I would furrow my brow, but I can’t because of the Juvederm”? Even Jenny thinks it’s weird. Minus 2.
• “I have an MBA from Tuck, I’m not the coat-check girl.” Oh, yeah? Your “work attire” tells us differently. Minus 3.
• Okay, let’s talk about Sean MacPherson. Yes, that’s him. And, yes, he is a hip hotel owner, designer, and club impresario. But the reality ends about there: He doesn’t have the lease on the Empire Hotel rooftop. Minus 2. He doesn’t have a club on 63rd Street. Minus 2. And while the “Tuck” assistant may have made up the thing about his “sense of history,” we’re not sure the pictures on his wall would be of Donovan Leitch (his most recent picture on the Patrick McMullan archive) and Glenn O’Brien (from not long before that). Especially since the O’Brien photo was from a pre-opening party at the Standard, a hotel that isn’t even his. Minus 4. Also, who says “Nice photo” about a photo of themselves? Minus 1.
• Okay, since we’re there, about these Patrick McMullan images. To be sure, they are often lovely, and you’ll definitely see the vintage ones at charity auctions. (Intel Chris has one of Andy Warhol and Keith Haring, in fact!) But they are not one of a kind, they are not worth nearly $8,000, and they would not be sold at Sotheby’s. In fact, most of the recent ones you can just order from the website. Minus 8.
• Also, really, why was everyone at the Sotheby’s auction? If Rufus wanted “everyone to be together,” as Dan said, why were Eric and Jenny not there? This whole scenario is absurd. Minus 4. Also, unless Bono was sponsoring the event, there wouldn’t be paparazzi outside of an evening sale. Minus 5.
• We know Nate was never really an academic, but surely there’s, like, a mandatory Freshman Health Seminar he has to attend at some point, or Rocks for Jocks, or something. Minus 3.
• Nate and Bree are talking about one day risking “actually going out together” and “being seen by other people” as they are WALKING DOWN THE STREET UPTOWN. Minus 6.
• Scott: “It’s been twenty years; what’s a day or two more?” Anyone who has ever said anything aloud like this must immediately know they’re in a TV drama. Minus 3.
• Chuck: “Look, our relationship should be more important than business deals or secret societies.” HA, that’s the whole fun about their relationship!! And they know it, too. Minus 3.
• Okay, Chuck’s huge purple tie is too much. We get the whole huge tie, widespread collar metaphor, but please. Don’t sacrifice style for sex. Minus 2.
• Even Blair wouldn’t let such nice furniture be tainted by dorm-room air. Minus 2. The combination of ambient marijuana and Popov alone would strip the finish off that antique boudoir.
• Vanessa wouldn’t have a huge turquoise cocktail ring unless it was actually handcrafted by the Navajo. Minus 1.
• We don’t understand why, from the start, Chuck didn’t try to build this club on his own. He’s a billionaire. Minus 3. And it’s not a huge risk to buy the Empire Hotel. He’s a billionaire. Plus, it’s not like he’d be putting everything on the line to buy it. He would only be putting in a certain amount of equity, and the rest would be debt. Minus 4.
• Minus 2 for the fact that Serena confronted Georgina about the fake La Table Elitaire invitation, then lamely disengaged with her instead of taking her down like she deserved. At least she should have told Blair, who would have concocted a fabulous revenge scheme in which she was, we don’t know, lured to Central Park and then spirited away by Dorota’s Eastern European boyfriend and the entire cast of Cirque du Soleil.
• When Scott, with his glossy hair and high cheekbones, took the hand of the plain-Jane lady from Boston and told the beautiful TV people before him that she was his mother and he was not actually Rufus and Lily’s son but the brother of Rufus and Lily’s son, and they believed him, we actually laughed out loud. It was like a gazelle telling a bunch of gazelles, “No really, I was born to this family of beavers.” And they were like, “Okay, cool. We totally believe that.” Minus 3.

Total: 70 Fake points, 139 Reality points

Georgina’s giant sock joke overcame the absurd Sotheby’s scenario, the lameness of Scott’s lie, and the many impossible outfits of this episode, putting the episode on the reality side. But please, we need more drama, less love and forgiveness. The inner psychos of Scott and Georgina need to be released! And from the looks of it, next episode they will be. As always, put your own tallies in the comments, and we’ll round them up on Friday.