Wednesday, February 3, 2010

You Sloppy Bitch!

When you're in the heart of Atlanta at Georgia State University, you see some interesting things. I'm not quite talking about the bums who curse you out if you don't have a ciggie. My bff Charleigh and I would always go sit in the campus Starbucks before our next classes or to eat our lunch. And I guarantee, everyday we saw the same phenomenon. Girls coming in in damn near pajamas, iPods in ears, face shielding sunglasses (designer of course), huge bags (ditto), with Uggs or rain boots. You know the type, they spend 2.5 hours doing their makeup, but then "simply don't have to time" to get dressed or do their hair. And we have dubbed them,
Sloppy Bitches.

First I will address the most crucial element of the Sloppy Bitch.

The Sloppy Bitch Bun

This is crucial and essential to being a true Sloppy Bitch. It is known by many names Messy Bun, CinnaBun, Sloppy Updo, Whale Spout, etc... It is the very essence of Sloppybitchism if you will. You see it and just want to say, "This is not a hairstyle! Why you think this is an acceptable way of stepping out of the house is beyond me. Dressing it up with jewelry and designer swag does not cancel the sloppiness of your ensemble, bitch!" But despite these outbursts, the Sloppy Bitch Bun is alive and thriving, sometimes even becoming its own entity and star of the show.

How to make a Sloppy Bitch Bun:
1. Don't wash your hair for a few days. The dirtier the better.
2. Don't comb it either.
3. Grab all of hair and pull it through a ponytail holder at the top of scalp.
4. Pull it through again, but only halfway this time.
5. Adjust tendrils accordingly.
6. Headband optional.

Worst Transgressor of the Sloppy Bitch Bun:
Our Poor Britney Spears. We over here at camp Taste Of A Poison Paradise love our Le Brit. But even we can't save her from herself.

Other Examples:

The Sloppy Bitch loves to accessorize. The best thing in a sloppy bitches arsenal is an engagement ring. Who wants to marry the sloppy bitch, we don't know, but we do know that the mating ritual is to give her at least a 3 carat ring. It is the perfect show piece to complete her ensemble, this is almost as important as the sloppy bitch bun.
If a diamond engagement ring has not presented itself, the next best thing, diamond studs, will do. So long as they are flashy and can clearly be seen through the messy tendrils of the sloppy bitch bun. Usually faux diamonds are necessary to create the effect.
In closing, the Sloppy Bitch is a skittish creature. They're abundant in their natural habitat, but they are quite skittish and do get freaked easily by things such as coordinating outfits, people who require no caffeine, and flat irons. Mind you, while the Sloppy Bitch is lots of fun to observe, it is totally unacceptable to mimic her dressing style. Do not "go native" and get too involved with observing for academic or scientific purposes and become part of the culture. In short, and in laymen's terms, laugh at these sloppy bitches, just don't become a sloppy bitch yourself.

6 tastes:

Cristina BarbieLuvsMac said...

lmfaoooooooo ahh the sloppy bitchh. i have those days

BrwnEyed25 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Vanessa M. said...

lmao! yes sloppy bitches are here too!

tee said...

Stumbled upon this blog via Pop Champagne and you definitely won me over with this post. Dead.dead.dead. Here in Staten Island (omgIonlytakeclassesthereIdon't livetheresoyoucanstopgivingmethesideeyenow) sloppy bitches might as well be their own race. It's an epidemic.


Marie85 said...

I Fucking Love this blog...I never knew there was a thing called a sloppy bitch in this situation, LMAO. Wow!!! I see them every day it's crazy. This made me laugh, good post.

BeautyTalk said...

OMG, I almost died reading this post! Really good! Great blog!